Ask Parent Coach Christine: Advice Column for Stepfamilies

By Christine Stansbury, Professional Clinical Counselor, Parent Coach & Stepmom

Strengthening Our Stepfamilies (S.O.S.) – Helping stepfamilies navigate unchartered waters

Counseling, Coaching & Classes

www.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

To submit your questions or concerns visit: Free Advice  

Dear Christine:

I am an almost step-mom to a charming yet challenging 12-year old. She lives with her father and me during the summer, and every other weekend during the school year. One of the frustrating things for me to deal with is to watch her manipulate her dad.  When she is with us, she tries to get away with eating too much junk food, watching too much TV, and not wanting to do any chores around the house. When her dad brings these things up, she pouts and stomps off to her room. He feels guilty for letting her sit in her room and will go apologize.  It drives me crazy that he is the one who ends up apologizing to her, and she knows full well that he will come and get her.  When he and I have discussed this alone, he understands what is happening when I point it out, but that does not keep it from recurring.  – S.K.

 

Dear S.K.-

Our role as a stepparent can be very confusing especially when it comes to discipline. The more clear the expectations are regarding everyone’s role in the house the better.  Here are some suggestions:

1)      Establish house rules, chores, privileges and consequences. Write them down and hang them up. All three of you should sit down and discuss them. 

2)      When possible have family meetings.

3)      Make time for just you and your partner to discuss parenting issues.

4)      Be clear about your own boundaries, expectations, your bottom lines and discuss them with your significant other.  Explain to him how he can help support you.  Invite him to do the same.

5)      Be creative when problem solving together.  For example, maybe those moments that she takes off to her room there should be a funny key word that you say to remind him of your conversation. Maybe he starts with waiting for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes and increasing after each time.

6)      If it does not feel like things are changing for the better then seek help from a counselor who is familiar with stepfamilies.  

Remember that their relationship existed before you were in the picture and ultimately it is up to them to change it if they do not feel it is working. All you can do is offer help. Then step back and let go.