Dear Christine: Advice Column for Stepfamilies

Dear Christine:

 

To submit your questions or concerns visit: Free Advice  

 

9/9/08

Dear Christine,

 

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and just over 2 years ago we combined our households. It was a tough transition and remains so. His son has almost always been extremely rude to me, in spite of my early efforts to try and get to know him from the standpoint of a caring adult.  His daughter has not been outwardly rude, but never responded to my early gestures of friendship, and has remained aloof and cold, which I am ashamed to say, is the stance I have now adopted when dealing with his kids. I don’t like the way I am responding to them, I don’t want to continue to feel alienated but I don’t know how to reverse the feelings I now have that have been festering for the past 4 years. I really need help.

 

Sincerely- M.K.

 Dear M.K.,

There are so many expectations that happen going into a stepfamily such as all members of the family will like or love each other quickly.  Research shows that it actually can take a stepfamily 3-7 years before they even resemble a functioning family system.  The two most common mistakes that stepparents make are expecting too much too soon and trying too hard too quickly.  So, in some ways you are right to “back off”.  However, consider a strategic move instead of defeat.

 

You speak about building resentments towards your boyfriend’s children.  I encourage you to take a step back and remember that acting out and pushing boundaries is what teens do best.  Typicially, they are not doing it due to anything personal against you but rather it is out of their own personal fears, anger at the situation, and hurt.  So, in times when you are feeling rejected tell yourself “It is not about me.”  I know easier said than done.  I have had to practice this many times before it finally sunk in.

 

Finally, disrespect is not acceptable.  I suggest having a calm discussion with your boyfriend’s son discussing your hope and expectation that no matter what mutual respect is a must in this household. Since the daughter does not live at home you may have to put up with the cold shoulder remembering it is not about you.  However, if the time is right a discussion with her regarding your hope to someday have a relationship with her and you will be there when she is ready may make sense.  Again, pace yourself and feel it out before making a move.

As stepparents we should not be the primary disciplinarian nor should we be our stepchildren’s best friend.  Instead, there is a need to lovingly stand firm in our values and expectations.

 

Sincerely,

 

 Christine Stansbury, M.A., L.C.P.C., Parent Coach & Stepmom

www.parentcoach.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com