Dear Christine: Advice Column for Stepfamilies

Dear Christine:

 

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9/9/08

Dear Christine,

 

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and just over 2 years ago we combined our households. It was a tough transition and remains so. His son has almost always been extremely rude to me, in spite of my early efforts to try and get to know him from the standpoint of a caring adult.  His daughter has not been outwardly rude, but never responded to my early gestures of friendship, and has remained aloof and cold, which I am ashamed to say, is the stance I have now adopted when dealing with his kids. I don’t like the way I am responding to them, I don’t want to continue to feel alienated but I don’t know how to reverse the feelings I now have that have been festering for the past 4 years. I really need help.

 

Sincerely- M.K.

 Dear M.K.,

There are so many expectations that happen going into a stepfamily such as all members of the family will like or love each other quickly.  Research shows that it actually can take a stepfamily 3-7 years before they even resemble a functioning family system.  The two most common mistakes that stepparents make are expecting too much too soon and trying too hard too quickly.  So, in some ways you are right to “back off”.  However, consider a strategic move instead of defeat.

 

You speak about building resentments towards your boyfriend’s children.  I encourage you to take a step back and remember that acting out and pushing boundaries is what teens do best.  Typicially, they are not doing it due to anything personal against you but rather it is out of their own personal fears, anger at the situation, and hurt.  So, in times when you are feeling rejected tell yourself “It is not about me.”  I know easier said than done.  I have had to practice this many times before it finally sunk in.

 

Finally, disrespect is not acceptable.  I suggest having a calm discussion with your boyfriend’s son discussing your hope and expectation that no matter what mutual respect is a must in this household. Since the daughter does not live at home you may have to put up with the cold shoulder remembering it is not about you.  However, if the time is right a discussion with her regarding your hope to someday have a relationship with her and you will be there when she is ready may make sense.  Again, pace yourself and feel it out before making a move.

As stepparents we should not be the primary disciplinarian nor should we be our stepchildren’s best friend.  Instead, there is a need to lovingly stand firm in our values and expectations.

 

Sincerely,

 

 Christine Stansbury, M.A., L.C.P.C., Parent Coach & Stepmom

www.parentcoach.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

Ask Parent Coach Christine: Advice Column for Stepfamilies

By Christine Stansbury, Professional Clinical Counselor, Parent Coach & Stepmom

Strengthening Our Stepfamilies (S.O.S.) – Helping stepfamilies navigate unchartered waters

Counseling, Coaching & Classes

www.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

To submit your questions or concerns visit: Free Advice  

Dear Christine:

I am an almost step-mom to a charming yet challenging 12-year old. She lives with her father and me during the summer, and every other weekend during the school year. One of the frustrating things for me to deal with is to watch her manipulate her dad.  When she is with us, she tries to get away with eating too much junk food, watching too much TV, and not wanting to do any chores around the house. When her dad brings these things up, she pouts and stomps off to her room. He feels guilty for letting her sit in her room and will go apologize.  It drives me crazy that he is the one who ends up apologizing to her, and she knows full well that he will come and get her.  When he and I have discussed this alone, he understands what is happening when I point it out, but that does not keep it from recurring.  – S.K.

 

Dear S.K.-

Our role as a stepparent can be very confusing especially when it comes to discipline. The more clear the expectations are regarding everyone’s role in the house the better.  Here are some suggestions:

1)      Establish house rules, chores, privileges and consequences. Write them down and hang them up. All three of you should sit down and discuss them. 

2)      When possible have family meetings.

3)      Make time for just you and your partner to discuss parenting issues.

4)      Be clear about your own boundaries, expectations, your bottom lines and discuss them with your significant other.  Explain to him how he can help support you.  Invite him to do the same.

5)      Be creative when problem solving together.  For example, maybe those moments that she takes off to her room there should be a funny key word that you say to remind him of your conversation. Maybe he starts with waiting for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes and increasing after each time.

6)      If it does not feel like things are changing for the better then seek help from a counselor who is familiar with stepfamilies.  

Remember that their relationship existed before you were in the picture and ultimately it is up to them to change it if they do not feel it is working. All you can do is offer help. Then step back and let go.