I know I just posted… anyway, I did want to spread the word that I have hand selected some of my favorite books regarding stepfamilies, along with ones that I want to read, and put them all into one easy webpage.

Check it out: Stepfamily Bookstore

First, I would like to announce the opening of my new website!  Please check it out:

www.parentcoach.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

Next, I am excited to announce my new E-Course!  It is free!  Here listen to one of the lessons to get an idea of what it is about:

I already posted some information about this ecourse (just scroll down) but I am about to publish the 2nd to the series and I felt that it is worth mentioning the first again before I do.

Here’s to Stepfamily Success!

Christine Stansbury

Coming on November 10th you will be able to participate for FREE in the first class of this 6 course series. 

Email Christine Stansbury at cms@strengtheningourstepfamilies.com now because space is limited!

I am looking forward to meeting you!

Christine Stansbury

To submit your questions or concerns visit: Free Advice  

9/9/08

Dear Christine,

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and just over 2 years ago we combined our households. It was a tough transition and remains so. His son has almost always been extremely rude to me, in spite of my early efforts to try and get to know him from the standpoint of a caring adult.  His daughter has not been outwardly rude, but never responded to my early gestures of friendship, and has remained aloof and cold, which I am ashamed to say, is the stance I have now adopted when dealing with his kids. I don’t like the way I am responding to them, I don’t want to continue to feel alienated but I don’t know how to reverse the feelings I now have that have been festering for the past 4 years. I really need help.

Sincerely- M.K.

 Dear M.K.,

There are so many expectations that happen going into a stepfamily such as all members of the family will like or love each other quickly.  Research shows that it actually can take a stepfamily 3-7 years before they even resemble a functioning family system.  The two most common mistakes that stepparents make are expecting too much too soon and trying too hard too quickly.  So, in some ways you are right to “back off”.  However, consider a strategic move instead of defeat.

You speak about building resentments towards your boyfriend’s children.  I encourage you to take a step back and remember that acting out and pushing boundaries is what teens do best.  Typicially, they are not doing it due to anything personal against you but rather it is out of their own personal fears, anger at the situation, and hurt.  So, in times when you are feeling rejected tell yourself “It is not about me.”  I know easier said than done.  I have had to practice this many times before it finally sunk in.

Finally, disrespect is not acceptable.  I suggest having a calm discussion with your boyfriend’s son discussing your hope and expectation that no matter what mutual respect is a must in this household. Since the daughter does not live at home you may have to put up with the cold shoulder remembering it is not about you.  However, if the time is right a discussion with her regarding your hope to someday have a relationship with her and you will be there when she is ready may make sense.  Again, pace yourself and feel it out before making a move.

As stepparents we should not be the primary disciplinarian nor should we be our stepchildren’s best friend.  Instead, there is a need to lovingly stand firm in our values and expectations.

Sincerely,

 Christine Stansbury, M.A., L.C.P.C., Parent Coach & Stepmom

www.parentcoach.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

Stepfamily Living Part One: This 9 day e-course identifies the three major challenges that stepfamilies face.  It explores the different losses that all members of stepfamilies go through and the different stages of grief that may follow.  This e-course also explores unrealistic expectations and roles and relationships and helps to form realistic ones.  Parents are also encouraged to consider their parenting styles and to explore how to utilize different techniques for disciplining in order for their to be mutual respect. 

______________________________________________________________________________________________

This 6 Part series are 8-9 days of lessons that are delivered straight to your email. 

Stepfamilies are very dynamic by nature and due to this they do not necessarily have more conflict but rather different conflict situations than the traditional family.  Some of these unique stepfamily dynamics that may create conflict are:

1)      Stepparent-child relationship

2)      Ex-spouses

3)      Visitation

4)      Different house rules

5)      Former In-Laws

6)      Stepsibling relationships

7)      Custody arrangements

8)      Child support issues

9)      Differing parenting values between parent and stepparent

10)   Baggage from old relationships

In addition, adults, adolescents and children have suffered many losses due to the divorce that they unknowling may revisit upon the creation of a stepfamily.

Parenting is a very challenging task to say the very least!  Well, this is one series of 6 that will help guide you to utilize an effective and consistent parenting model.

Free!  Listen to a lesson and sign up for this Email Course Now!

Visit: http://parentcoach.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com/ecourses.html 

Contact Christine Stansbury by emailing cms@strengtheningourstepfamilies.com   
for more information or submit an email form.

Visit: www.parentcoach.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com  

• Take charge of your role in your stepfamily now!
• Learn the skills to become the stepparent you want to be!
• Enhance your communication skills in the family and with your partner.
• Understand the evolving stages of belonging to a stepfamily.

The 9-hour research-based program focuses on building family strengths for stepfamily couples.

The Program will make use of:

• Informational Presentations
• Hands-on exercises
• Group discussion
• Powerpoint presentation

Participants will walk away with:

• Improved knowledge about stepfamilies
• Validation of their experiences
• Strengthened family relationships
• Agreement on family roles
• Enhanced skills in: communicating, co-parenting, managing conflict, and adjusting to change

Telecourse Schedule:

• Optional Free 45 min. Introduction Session (this is an opportunity to meet your cohorts and ask questions about the course.) 

Date: 10/05/08       Time: 5:00 pm- 5:45 pm MST

*RSVP by 10/03/08 to active@strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

*All Session Times are:

• 6:00-7:30pm Pacific Time 
• 7:00-8:30 pm Mountain Standard Time
• 8:00-9:30 pm Central Time
• 9:00-10:30 pm Eastern Time 

*6- 1 1/2 hour Sessions ($15/ea):

• Session 1 10/06/08: Families Today
• Session 2 10/13/08: Changes in You and Your Family
• Session 3 10/20/08: Where Are You Coming From?
• Session 4 10/27/08: Strengthening the Couple Relationship 
• Session 5 11/03/08: Connections
• Session 6 11/10/08: Building Family Strengths  

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  Contact Christine Stansbury by emailing cms@strengtheningourstepfamilies.com. 

I have created a social network just for stepparents to meet and give and receive support for one another.  Being a stepparent can feel like a lonely adventure!  This site is free and open to all.  So, here’s your chance to meet other stepparents who likely either can relate or help with whatever is going on for you. 

To join visit: http://strengtheningourstepfamilies.ning.com

I look forward to seeing you there!

Christine Stansbury, M.A., L.C.P.C. & Stepmom

www.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

I now have a website just for you!  This will be where you can access informative articles, book reviews, S.O.S. Newsletters and more all in one location!

Also, since the membership is still a rather new service I am offering any input, suggestions or needs that you have please send them my way! Email me at cms@strengtheningourstepfamilies.com.

Sincerely,

Christine Stansbury, M.A., L.C.P.C.

www.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

Try it out and give me a call! 

ChristineStansbury  1.888.693.8437 ext. 03032997

I look forward to hearing from you! 

Christine Stansbury, M.A., L.C.P.C. & Stepmom

www.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

Strengthening Our Stepfamilies (S.O.S.) – Helping stepfamilies navigate unchartered waters

Counseling, Coaching & Classes

www.strengtheningourstepfamilies.com

To submit your questions or concerns visit: Free Advice  

Dear Christine:

I am an almost step-mom to a charming yet challenging 12-year old. She lives with her father and me during the summer, and every other weekend during the school year. One of the frustrating things for me to deal with is to watch her manipulate her dad.  When she is with us, she tries to get away with eating too much junk food, watching too much TV, and not wanting to do any chores around the house. When her dad brings these things up, she pouts and stomps off to her room. He feels guilty for letting her sit in her room and will go apologize.  It drives me crazy that he is the one who ends up apologizing to her, and she knows full well that he will come and get her.  When he and I have discussed this alone, he understands what is happening when I point it out, but that does not keep it from recurring.  – S.K.

Dear S.K.-

Our role as a stepparent can be very confusing especially when it comes to discipline. The more clear the expectations are regarding everyone’s role in the house the better.  Here are some suggestions:

1)      Establish house rules, chores, privileges and consequences. Write them down and hang them up. All three of you should sit down and discuss them. 

2)      When possible have family meetings.

3)      Make time for just you and your partner to discuss parenting issues.

4)      Be clear about your own boundaries, expectations, your bottom lines and discuss them with your significant other.  Explain to him how he can help support you.  Invite him to do the same.

5)      Be creative when problem solving together.  For example, maybe those moments that she takes off to her room there should be a funny key word that you say to remind him of your conversation. Maybe he starts with waiting for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes and increasing after each time.

6)      If it does not feel like things are changing for the better then seek help from a counselor who is familiar with stepfamilies.  

Remember that their relationship existed before you were in the picture and ultimately it is up to them to change it if they do not feel it is working. All you can do is offer help. Then step back and let go.